Whenever I go home, I always feel like my creative voice disappears, and this year I went home for Christmas. I enjoy going home and seeing all my family and childhood friends. But it puts me in a strange limbo of everyone knowing me for who I used to be and not knowing me for who I am now. When I was younger, I wrote but I didn’t share it with others. Somehow being back in that place makes me feel like I don’t have the same creative voice there as I do here. I don’t know whether it’s one of those weird childhood home things, or if it’s just personal issues.
Since I got back to LA, I’ve been hiding out in my room trying to recover from a cold and convince myself that I am indeed a writer, which means I should indeed write. So far, it hasn’t been going well. New Year’s in the middle of the week really screwed up my regular routine. I know my hangup is most likely 100% mindset, which means I need to ignore my thoughts and feelings on how worthy I am of a creative voice and instead focus on using the voice I have to write.
Getting back into the grind of writing is difficult for me when I’ve traveled somewhere that has put my emotional headspace to different use. Usually, I ‘save my personality’ for my writing. At home I had to use my personality on other people who I care about, so now switching back to consuming my soul with writing a story is quite a task.
My current strategy for reacquiring my focus (that’s what I’m going to call it for now) is to depend on my routine. I will sit in front of my laptop the appropriate number of hours every morning and afternoon until eventually my internal complaining is stifled by the feeling of stupidity. Time + the willingness to wait myself out = eventual productivity. I’m not sure how that fares for my overall personal writing goals (not well, I just don’t want to think about it). The most difficult part of writing is always convincing myself to do it, so step one to writing in this new year is beginning. A good place to start as any.